Talk about getting plowed and looking for trouble in a dead end town on a Friday before 10pm. I have this friend, Brian who wisely refuses to use facebook and lives with his girlfriend which is one notch above marriage and a noose away from suicide. He has a steady job, a very nice beard too and well read. He’s very opinionated and for the most part we avoid politics and focus on gals. Sometimes we get drunk and wrestle over who’s hotter, Tiffany Amber Thiessan or Scarlett Johanson?   Brian’s a good guy who’d rather have a one on one conversation for a laugh and instigate I or a stranger instead of listening to a band try and play over loud talkers.  Anyway he owes me for a bet we made about Obama 3 years ago… maybe longer. I said he’d be our next president (like many thought), it wasn’t a guess, we all knew it anyway if we were paying attention. Brian thought I was nuts and bet me $100 of my choice at the time, money or hot wings and beer. Easy bet right? There was no way I was losing that one so I took him up on it knowing, “Whatever. you want to pay up now or wait for defeat?” What channel was he watching though?!

Fast forward, I have $80 left in this bet for him to fulfill in hot wing meals. Hangin with Brian is easy cause he’s gotta be in early before 10pm to work ‘round 5-6am. It works out great cause most Rockturds and rocktards end up out after 10pm and then at an after hours till 4am because those hours are best for causing mayhem, vomit, rumors, yawns or working. I prefer the latter 2.

Brian gets me all sauced up on wings and a drink called the Black & Hoe (Guiness and Hoefersomethingspielberg?) A dark mixed with a wheat beer. It was good. It’s amazing what 4 of those will do to a steady head. My sinuses are clear as day from the hot sauce and we’re swearing, laughing, offending people next to us without trying to but really, trying to while they watch UFC on the thing hanging on the wall. Quite amazing how humans become so entrenched in watching 2 half naked dudes punch each other. I don’t get it but whatever, let’s focus.

The topic of married chicks comes up. Brian and I have known a few over the past decade+ and not because we really wanted to. Anytime or place, there’s signs on any single guy available that married gals are just magnetized to. Single guys do as we wish regardless of what society thinks we should be doing and mainly we just yawn, we’re boring for the most part. Some married gals, not all, get so depressed, horny and depraved of attention cause their significant other is so fed up most of the time trying to read their mind or really does like sports and hunting too much. Well oops, your wife really wants you man! She wants to talk pillows and stuff and matching things and all kinds of cool-uh things? Whatever go shopping make deals that benefit you too and get some so you’re not so depressed and she’s not so depressed when you can’t quite care enough about pillows!

Back to the depressed and depraved of attention ones, we all know these gals, they’re nice, they can’t believe they’re struggling with their needs and sometimes they can’t believe they actually want something for themselves. They get what they need regardless on their terms cause they’re not gettin it at home. Whether it’s a night out or good conversation, bridge, knitting, praying, running, eating lots of pie, cappuccinos with tons of whip creme or dry humping, every single guy has met these gals. They just want acts of love all the time in every way possible but can’t understand ‘man’ and why he doesn’t need to have conversations all the time! They truly rock and I love every single one of them for just being the sexy milfs they are but cmon, stay home and stay away from the single guys.

Let’s take a moment to recognize one of the most beautiful married milfs ever, so classy, 4 kids, unbelievable. Here is Cate #1. She should be on Mt. Rushmore.

I’ve met close to a dozen milfs in life- that’s not good math and a lot of heartbreak if you let it be that after #1. 11 to be exact since 1998. most just needed attention they weren’t getting, conversation, etc. “The spark is gone you know?” because he’s with someone else or he loves sports? “I love him we just never dated anyone else.” Here’s a kleenex, that’s your fault for settling too early and apologize to him for wasting his time and being out without him hitting on single guys. “After we take care of the kids we’re just tired you know?” No, I don’t know because I don’t trust the golden egg, demon seeds and magic. “He’s good for me and treats me well, but-” But what? You need it in the butt? That’s not my thang, tell him not me. “He’s never home and-” And neither are you right now.

Brian and I both laughed about bad karma chips and gambling our single lives away a long time ago. He liked cashing in those chips, I like collecting chips. There’s that saying, ‘nothing like the chase that’s all it is.’ Well he liked conclusions to their stories and I prefer anything but conclusions. Makes for a better story when it never ends. I want to know why they’re so miserable or depraved and decide if they really married a nice guy who’s fed up with the fact they’re out meeting and trying to hook up with single guys or if he really is negligent and if so, just run or ask if they have any tattoos. Right guys? There is a math equation flaw in there guys so be careful. Imagine being on the other end, that’s what I do unless they’re too hot. Then throw math out the window and let her show you her tattoos and pictures of her 2 kids and watch her put on those librarian glasses she pulled out of her purse just to impress you and make you think she actually has time like you to read books too. Yeah yeah yeah you beautiful woman now go away or deal with the devil and heaven later? Que? Mmm, I love me some tattoos on a poor vision glasses gal though. Can’t decide if I’m getting that chair or a ladder on my chest. Or both?

I know in each circumstance I’m to be used, climbed on, sat on, or discarded like an imaginary friend or an inanimate object. There’s no way I’m getting hurt after that first exam. The tigers come out to play and watch out, lock your door guys. Fun stuff. I’m the worst single guy a married chick can meet cause I’ll do everything possible to remind her she’s got it made with her man who’s at home sleepin on the couch and getting to know me is a step down to something you’ll never call your own. “I take a dump just like your hubby in the morning sweetheart.” As true as that is they laugh more and want me more after that line. It’s baffling and gross ay? Brian and I are laughing, eating bar food and watching soft gay porn called sports on the hanging wall with the locals. There’s nothing worse than watching two half naked dudes fight with strangers who really enjoy it. “Aw f*ck dude wham did you see that one?” I kept yelling, “Oh Man, he punches like a drunk bear WAIT a flailing bear!” I’m a dick, I know it.

Here’s another commercial break, so let’s introduce #2 of 2 of the hottest classiest sexiest gals out there who happens to be an amazingly married milf named Kate with a K and not a C. She is vicious and oh so fine.

Back to hot married milfs. We start comparing the amount we have in our cell phone black book roledex. Some we have no idea how they ended up there. Mine are even more baffling since I joined the cell phone race in 2007 and some of these gals go wayyyyyyyyy back to some dumber younger years. Some started off as college friends, an old high school friend magically who admitted to me 9 years later she thought art nerds were sexy and got married young anyway but HAD to find me (yawn), coworkers, clients, waitresses, bartendar, teachers (the best!), 1 nurse (the worse!), all walks of life like an awesome buffet you were invited to stare at but couldn’t touch because mom and dad foolishly raised you Catholic? That’s the trade off ay? We laugh and compare, there are identical looks we share with a few names which makes it funnier–from our perspective at least.  Stupid and loaded on piss and nasty laughs before 10 surrounded by soft gay porn UFC fans and wandering wives at tables and chairs behind us.

We drink more and start feeling bad for their husbands. No really. I was a husband once, it sucks to wonder who your gal is out with when you’re too tired to care anymore cause you gotta make sure you keep your head in check for getting work done and playing make believe with other clients. What broke up the Beatles? Yoko maybe but I’m sure creative masturbation got to them good after awhile needing to enjoy only their musical efforts and endeavors alone, their own way, Here’s to old souls admitting defeat and finding the inner child the hard way.

We decide to play drunk texting with my phone. A little game we devised based on the “12 Days of Christmas” we jokingly titled for our own amusement, “The 11 Married Milfs With Husbands, Still?” Smiling like a child who knows better than to put his hand in the pudding with a clean spoon in the other hand, checkbox the lucky 11 and send one mass txt. My bearded friend, like two idiots out and about should do anyway in this crappy town, laughs.

“Is your hubby awake?”

The best was yet to come. All 11 responded like dominoes, or cap gun pops goin off with a skewed version of the same answer and almost like magic (remember what I said about magic?):

“y. couch tv. how are you?”

“LOL wow no talk u lng tyme! he sleeping!”

“YES Y?”

“Ya He’s right next to me Why”

“Yes but he isn’t home”

“OMGnoway lol he went 2 bed@9 how r u?”

“no. funny. u? appearently lol”

“lol i was thinking of u wierd how are u?!”

“lol YES ur an idiot ; )”

“idk! @ oscars! join us? how ru?!”

“omg r u trying to get me trouble? lol! :)”

Wow xs11 we laughed. Mainly at the reoccurring ‘lols’ and ‘omgs.’ Stop that. I passed it off to Brian overwhelmed with potential laughs on thought out replies, we hand picked 2 to reply to just to push one more button and to keep from wasting time or getting killed in 9 other ways. Say that 5xs really quick. He knew one of the 2 we picked well so it made replying real fun for him on my phone. The other one I knew was a dead end.  It’s amazing how irritated you can make a woman if you reply back with something you know you need to kill a conversation with quickly:

“He’s not fishing or hunting?”

and

“What are you wearing?”

Perfect conversation killers. That latter one I sometimes answer my phone with for kicks with anyone anyway instead of “Hello?” Those replies were sent back to the unlucky 2. And the winner was the gal we both knew:

“Ure an idiot. Our husbands are fortunate. U are the unfortunate one.”

Home run, comedy gold!  Really? He’s so fortunate, does he know it and are you? Better him than I, yes and agreed. Personally I don’t know how fortunate any one of those 11 husbands are if they all replied to a drunk text message from Rocktard’s finest fools on a Friday night. At some point in the 11s lives I’m sure they all found organized religion accidently, had another baby to save the marriage (alot of people do that strangely) or attended therapy that sells you an awesome life message bumper sticker that says, “mend it don’t end.”  Tell him he is fortunate to have you, really, do it.  Real life comedy gold makes me feel verrrry unfortunate.  :  ) It’s almost as if Andy Kaufman, Neil Hamburger, and Fred Armisen need extra hands with unfunny funny in the next decade, yes? Brian concluded our drunken text charades with one last reply he transcribed for me:

“fyi: if they’re so fortunate why are you even responding to the unfortunate? Hey where can i get some eggos?”

End it in EGGOS, that’s how you get the last word in a’Merica, try it. There is a shortage you know? Great way to kick off a new decade for the families out there on a budget!  I overheard two moms complaining at Woodmans about how much their kids are gonna miss them but I did instigate the conversation to begin with by grabbing 4 boxes, throwing them in the cart and looking at these dears in headlights with one mumbled comment directed at one of the 2 vultures impatiently cramping my space, “better grab them while you can ladies.” Ladies, what a horrible term for women.  Milfs almost sounds saint-like.  Ladies! Anyway I do love me some eggos and I love me some hot hot hot milfs. Mmm mm mmm pass me the beckinsale butter and the blanchette bacon.  Time to wrap this awful disaster up.

Sorry gals, I remembered what we did with my phone and had to share.  Shame on single guys.  Oops. Dumb beer, dumb brains, dumb boys.  It was fun though.  I’ll be hiding my car in the garage but the door is still unlocked. Thanks for the laughs and the wings Brian, you’re a smart one to order the fish. Next time we wrestle for Tiffany Amber Thiessan, man. I best be careful though with a fragile neck like mine, the hubby is gonna be pissed when I come home smelling of another man’s beard sweat from wrestling. Can we just argue about Tiffany and Scarlett instead next time? Shaw nuff.

dD

In any random order this decade was the best.  Top notch, supreme, successful for everyone, the economy, our leaders, all top notch comedians.  What made it so unforgettable?  Bacon. popcorn, Sadie, me, commas & everyone else. Their stories & what not, steady weight gain & steady weight lost, marriage, divorce, recession, independence, forgiveness and laughs at all of your expense finally.  Let’s toss on the fire a shittier attitude than ever, sure but I earned it. A misdiagnosis on MS that caused the ability to get no insurance from 2004-2006 a waste of time and a pain but at one point Michael Moore’s production team did contact me about my case with another assonine corporation known as a health care insurance provider called Blue Cross Blue Shield for “Sicko.”  It didn’t make the final cut but I signed off regardless knowing it was too real and too funny a “life is too funny and you’re all full of shit” way.  Working harder than ever but everyone I know is (maybe) smarter than just about everyone else I know or they lie better?  Now I know I’m the smartest because most of you told me so, thanks and yawn. You also had the balls to call me crazy but couldn’t take it when I called you “normal” in return.  If you’re gonna dish it to me carefully, get ready to have the dish thrown back like a frisbee to your forehead purposefully, the right way with no guessing.  Nothing like earning far less than I could ever dream of because I still live in Rockford, IL.  What an awesome decade.

I started the decade looking at 30, now it’s 40.  Nothing has changed really, same weight, same awesome hair, same kind of girls like me with different names and still carded anytime unless the person knows me or one of the 1,482 idiots I’m related to that dare call me family or blood has mistaken me for Dan or Frank. How’s that for aging the right way?

Alright, I’ve got nothing but time today. Let’s get to the VERY best of the decade shall we for making noise and making art?

1. Domestic People are the perfect subject matter for creating. Stop & listen to them talk in public somewhere about their kids & grocery list items. They’re far more interesting from a distance & less likely to believe or stay interested in up close.
2. Drunk irish folk songs like, “7 Drunken Nights,” “My Boots,”What Do You Do With a Drunken Sailor?” and this clincher that was performed on “The Wire” the great TV show of the Decade featuring a bunch of cops singing “Danny Boy.” They may be folk songs but they’re comedy gold to these ears! Don’t forget the tip is right & sing loud! 2000-04’s anthem folk song was real special for me, lots of phone sex, real good stuff, safe, fun, always on her clock and lots of time wasted. I’d do it again for kicks. The rest of the decade was very christian folk song related, those songs taught me how to forgive
3. Milfs. God what more could I say about desperate milfs who can’t get enough of their husband cause he’s always out fishing or f*cking someone else so they need to find it in single guys who are far from desperate? What’s up with that all you Oscars Barflys? There’s more and more!  Please, stay away unless you’re bringin the bacon or cleaning the kitchen.  I feel bad for your significant others.
4. Nice girls without drinking problems. Maybe it’s the demographic climate, Rockford and all, but you don’t have to go to Heartland to be a nice available girl.  And you don’t have to plow yourself on Martinis at Bacchus / now Brio. You can just be yourself, enough of the martinis and the bible banging. Nice, smart guys aren’t gonna care but I’m not one of them anymore so go ahead continue to be hammered off your ass anytime I do decide to get up off the couch and head out to join some friends.  High hopes are the only message I received.  We’ll get back to that.
5. Babies. You know there is a world population problem right now? True.  I know they’re cute and all and some may be our future president or the next Shaquille O’Neal, but cmon, enough of the making babies, let’s make some jobs for those babies first!!! It’s getting old.  Despite what the catholic church thinks, it’s ok to use a condom even when you’re sober.
6. The Catholic Church. No offense, I now know you are superior.  I mean that too despite whatever laughs ensues.  I’ve read and studied about enough religions to know that despite all your human flaws, you are the one organization that always takes me back and let’s me wander again as I will my entire life. No joke and thanks, you never hold it against me for knowing God is a woman, and she is universal.  I just won’t read the bible because humans I disagree with wrote it and I won’t attend Sunday services because if I wanted a good nap, I’d stay in bed.  Either way, I’m always thinkin of ya over the Chicago Trib, a good Dylan record and a cup o’ coffee.  All I’m missing is a nice catholic gal on the couch watching the BBC or me read.
7. Musicians are interesting too, seemingly magnetic from a distance and then nearly identical to a brand new stainless steel plugged-in empty fridge capable of making ice & costing more in return to leave on or filled by others who paid for the food, juice & future garbage put in them. Musicians are always one self-loving & selfish step away from being homeless, insane, or a designer. That’s not very lucrative or interesting though.
8. The State of Rock n Roll. Some of you really failed to bring the rock like an entertaining as*hole should, like Noel Gallagher, like a pompous prick because that’s what rock n’ roll really is if you dare put yourself out there like that, then, do it.  Playing your heart out, bringing it, making people laugh, cry, or hate you.  For that maybe Creed and Nickelback were rock n’ roll saviors?!  We lost one the greats, Joe Strummer, who was smart, pompous, reserved and knew he was the sh*t without acting the part like a fool or Bono.  We lost Oasis finally because Noel couldn’t take carrying the torch anymore alone and honestly, he’s a got a better future as a comedian with a brother like his.  Dylan?  Can we still claim him as the torch bearer?  Sure, he does whatever he wants and could care less. The rest of rock n’ roll took a nap, thanks. Here’s to the death of rock this decade and to the rise of underground folk music again.  2009’s anthem, como.
9. Design… ha.  Whores.  Designers are whores! Talk about getting a*s f*cked over and over when all we need is a dollar to pay a bill like everyone. No wonder my ex-wife kept begging me to charge more.  She was tired of putting ice on my lower back and forehead.  Underpaid Garbage, commercial filth and future waste is all I’m responsible for.  Let’s thank Road Ranger for taking the poor business ethics award trophy years ago for being the worst client I had this decade.  Then let’s thank everyone else combined for making hundreds more, thousands and some, millions off of my marketing & artistic experience.  Thanks! Penny investments at best for me.  You’re all on my list for the next decade in regards to writing “what not to discount to take care of all my bills and maybe save a few more pennies and take care of someone else other than me and then me- and afford a permanent vacation away from hell, Rockford, IL.”  Yeah, thanks for the work and lots of it.  It sure helped me save up for getting through a national recession as a self-employed person in a terrible market like Rockford’s for 5.5 years of this decade with self paying benefits, student loans, a mortgage and no assistance from our government or lenders and creditors to weather the economic disaster most of us self-employed people did save for, blew through and any other savings to survive, and then left to deal with with no bailout option and accepting utter defeat.
10. Bailouts, Conservatives, and Deleting lifelong Friends. The banks got a bailout and other corporations- what about some of us, the middle class maybe? Thanks really.  I learned alot like “Thank god I didn’t have kids.” and “Boy, getting divorced and paying for a mortgage alone in a recession is real f*cking smart. Good job man, high-5 dumb a*s.”  That’s the hard truth a’Merica.  How some of you keep having kids and can afford them and can afford to educate them properly is baffling.  BAFFLING. And humorus.  Where’s my tax cut again for not having a child and why do I pay more again?  Missed that part.  Does love really pay for it all?  I doubt it.  Also, thanks a bunch to George Bush Jr and Dick Cheney for being the best we could possibly put in office, or did we in 2000? Ha. Thank you to the 51% of you who actually voted for him in 2004!  Really?  Whatever.. Good job!  The laughs were consistent and some of you friends really showed your true colors, some had fun with it and others I deleted for good.  I lost a good friend I’d known since 1st grade in 2008 because she questioned my stand finally.  After all these years I finally spoke up, I let her be a crazy christian bored stay at home mother who called Obama a terrorist, a baby killer, and a fundraiser for terrorism as well as not being a true born American.  Crazy people like that using foils for racism. Not in my life, no more.  I decided that I’d had enough and one less friend was worth stopping these sorts of people from talking to me period.  No more and go away, lay your eggs somewhere else.  We, I, don’t want to hear any of it after what 2000-2008 lok slike on paper. Thanks though!  Funny stuff regardless.  American history suddenly got funny for 8 years is how they’ll study this decade.
11. Speaking of garbage, nothing turns me on like litter on my front yard or spotting it glowing while driving along Perryville & East State, the decaying heart of Rockford. Most of you ignore it, how? No anthem.
12. Rockford. You’re just like I remember you in 1973 when I left the womb but you’re missing some key characteristics; jobs, opportunities, the woolworths downtown mom used to dump me off at to buy a 45 record and a grilled cheese, cheaper property taxes, trainline, factories, single gals, GAP is gone CMON and finally more jobs for people that want to live here and use a higher education they still have to pay for somehow.  You’ve gained plenty; bars, walgreens, fake churches, poverty, czar like property ownership, single moms, alcoholic trust fund jerks and more bars.  Thanks greatly, good job.  Now that’s how you drown a midwestern city the right way! My generation thanks you for all the hard work we have on top of the hard work to survive.
13. Drunks.  Rockford, you got plenty, good job again.  Done making dreamers, now making drunks, Rockford, IL. Hey at least the smiles are real here right?
14. Facebook! Wow this is loaded but only because I just mentioned drunks above. Facebook is the greatest waste of time to ever consume mankind.  Such perfect timing like Satan had planned it.  To attack peoples time when they have nothing but it?  Count me in on that premise!  Especially during a recession when finding laughs is easier than finding clients with jobs.  Facebook may be the greatest advertising scam ever invented.  ’Let’s fool billions of people into joining in one site where we can invade their profile and advertise companies who will pay to on the right side of their page.’  It’s brilliant really- if you know that.  Some of you really care to tell me about the load of laundry you did?  Please do and continue to, I love it.  In return don’t dare be offended by my nonsense then, even trade.  Facebook is that dinner party you show up to where you’re sitting at a table and you don’t know 80% of the people there who invited you.  It’s like I showed up to a table and sat down across from Stevie Wonder, Marlee Matlin, Rainman, and a bunch of people I recognize from the worst possible memories made decades before.  Deaf, blind, dumb and who are ya again?  Awesome party! Steal the steak from Stevie’s plate, tell Marlee she’s sexy for an older gal-er, write it on a napkin, hi-5 the Rainman, drink everyone elses drinks, say what you gotta say back about their laundry and their family photos since they can’t stop sharing these good things about their life with ya, then, throw up and leave. Facebook is an awesome recession blues party.  May be the best one ever.
15. Pillow trump people. These interests & knowing them quite well makes maintaining distance from uninteresting interests easy, self-deprecated-defeated & mainly self-entertaining.  It has cured me many times that pillow and a good nap, followed by good laughs with a friend or complaining to my sis and then music. Wah, laugh & yawn– wait, I forgot one. My decade was great for about 5 hours, stupidly & carefully no one had sex and we all fell asleep like it was fall camping but then their husbands showed up and they had to act like I wasn’t there in my boxers and that the records on the floor were someone else’s named “Linda,” a tomboy friend who really owned the “original Muppet Movie Soundtrack” and Bryan Adam’s “Reckless” on vinyl.  I ended up with 2 flat tires a week later, fall, 2001.  An every day anthem, what a great 5 hours this decade of disgust and complacency was.  Donde!

The next decade is gonna be very different.  The silent kit lost its key when it had to sit through everyones stories to personally decide if any of them were true or even worth thinking about. Final decision is that most of you are liars and your stories were amazing, from a creative point of view.  In most cases they were proven to be just that, stories or cruel covers to a different book altogether.  The covers are blown though.  I’m re-illustrating those stories now.

There’s no more time for the awesome act of yawl using me, I allowed it but it’s my turn. The next decade is mine for me to use me and to my own benefit not yours.  Take a ticket and wait but the nice guy was forced outta town a long time ago when some of you played the clown and forgot I was human too, not a puppet. Who’s the nice guy now? Go make someone else a punching bag. It’s gonna be funny if not fun from now on. You”ll learn how to laugh too when people call you crazy for knowing too much. You’ve all given me enough to write and draw about for the next 10 years alone… fuel for fire and don’t trip into it. A big thank you and good health to all.

Cheers, go get drunk Rockford, thanks for the memories and finally before it gets too late and I forget to get to the point after all these years, f*ck you too!

dD

NOTE: Above are a list of interests that shaped my decade, not yours thankfully.  Maybe you’re thinking, “Why? You arrogant prick.  Are you that self-absorbed to share what we don’t care about?” The answer is “Yes.” If I have to sit through more wedding photos, party people, photos of Bob Ross like lakes and domestic vomit, other bands’ performances, articles in the RRStar that contain multiple errors or cruel edits,  RRTimes’ ability to bore another human being with a Mike Leifheit article,  facebook, twitter, let’s not forget myspace and what kicked all of this social media off, friendster, self-indulgent baby photos, people kissing drunk and or with pants off and just any random smiling self-portrait featuring smoking and drinking alcohol, than yes. Your horrible articles, parties, weddings, bands, babies, cigarettes, beers, are worth the same time as these words.  We’re all wasting time, get over yourself and I’ll get over mine.  Does this make me “angry”? No way.  Entertained?  Yep. That’s the real message of the decade I’ve settled on.  You all have a song or two coming your way with fire, no ice.  I could be disgusted, but I was easily entertained for free, go ahead, delete me and thanks!  2010 is here, I’ve got the bucket empty and waiting for more garbage, go get drunk a’Merica!

Hate to admit it, but not only is this evil advertising, but it’s great advertising. I added “bacon” to my Facebook ‘Interests’ field along with popcorn and Sadie, my dog.  And SHAW NUFF, every time I browse around, look, there’s the ‘bacon gurl’ again!  Evil advertising at it’s best combining my favorite food with my favorite t-shirt, um yeah, obviously. She is amazing though, she likes bacon too and so do I, yay!  Soooo, it’s safe to say great advertising involves auto-invasion of privacy issues on Facebook, and sharing profile content with advertisers for auto-embeds.  Facebook vs. Satan, who would win?

What a great Monday, October 26th, 2009 has been so far. Got back to my favorite friend count # by fooling a fake friend person in my profile who wasn’t my real life friend into deleting me.  I saw her post splatter on my log-in page yesterday, “Tara _______  is now in a relationship.”  And I thought, “who cares” right?  Then I thought, “I do care, how do I know this Tara person again?”  (I still can’t place her, so someone I know, please remind me of this person and name.)  She’s just an innocent person I assume who really doesn’t know me either to understand she is not really satanic- see next statement to understand.  So, in rhythm I comment, “That is so so so so gross, to log in and see satanic messages like this, so gross.”  Something to that effect-complete nonsense, like facebook itself.  Call it being bored but sitting watching men in tight neon clothes playing football for longer than 5 minutes without napping or mocking the entire experience I’ve fallen prey to like most of a’Merica is not as fun as childishly antagonizing strangers.  That’s 100% fun.

A local chef was showing me pictures of his electric car late Friday night at a local establishment owned by another chef. (2 chefs in one location equals a social nightmare.  Try it, it’s a constipated feeling.)  I don’t really know the guy well, met him a few times and his handshake is pretty slimy, just the feeling of it- that’s all I’m saying, it’s fishy, kind of soft and I don’t know, not my kind of handshake.   You don’t know where a chef’s hands have been- seriously, think twice next time you meet one.  So he’s standing there showing some friends his electric car and I’m called over by Daniel to see the ‘electric car’ on the iPhone thing.  I look and act interested, “so, um, does it have an iPod dock?”  ’Oh yes yes yes it does’ I’m told.  The clincher for disinterest was this, knowing he’s a chef, I ask twice and very clearly without showing it on my face, “But does it have a fridge?”  He didn’t answer each time.  I saw the look on Dan’s face bend to a smile and left the conversation.  I just don’t trust chefs.

So it worked, this weekend and instigating strangers, getting back to #192 worked.  It made this gray Monday and the start to another work week here so rewarding right from the get go.  Thank you Facebook & #193.  However, does the chef with an electric car have a fridge?

Anyway, none of this matters, I’ve just wasted yours, mine, and our time, again.  The end.

From the public gallery featured 10.02-10.03, 2009 @ the Ol’ Brewery in Rockford, IL during the city wide Fall Artscene presented by WallBlank.com, Rockford, IL.

31 Archival Prints of illustrations were featured.
Limited edition run of 75 
The entire gallery (31 illustrations) are available
sized:

8x12” and 16x24”

They are available to purchase directly at the online gallery website.

Wait a minute now, who is Jeremy then?

So my agent, Andy, every now and then enjoys to mess with strangers, have a good laugh- who doesn’t? Plus he gets paid to think of nonsense.  In this case, he’s been doing, gathering, research on a book project and sharing it to see what’s funny, what isn’t, then maybe get a release.  In this case, research involves a public ‘conversation’ he’s having instigating with a perfect kind gullible stranger on Facebook who has no idea he’s being handed nonsense.  The funniest part about this to me is that the conversation itself, bears no meaning on anything, plus it is not taking place on my manager’s profile but on a friend of my manager’s public wall with the said stranger, who’s name is Ben. The conversation itself is available to around 2,000 people through my agent’s friend’s profile wall.  Kudos to Ben for playing along even if he didn’t know he was.  Really though, who is Jeremy?  Good job Andy, that’s why you’re more than just an agent… Ari Gold would be proud.

Tshirt designs and illustrations for Cory Chisel & The Wandering Sons, 2005-2009.  Been designing Ts for many bands over the past few years, this photo gallery features the latest T, “Death Won’t Send a Letter” available at Cory’s fall & winter US & UK 2009 tour stops.

On Sept. 29th, RCA/Black Seal is releasing Cory Chisel’s major label debut in stores, “Death Won’t Send a Letter”  You can buy it at iTunes right now,  Me?  I’m waiting to take it in the right way, however, I have heard it, it’s a great 2009 American pop-rock-folk-blues-record manic on style and full of live studio energy thanks to an awesome rhythm section… One of Cory’s strongest aspects as a songwriter has been his voice, a soulful gospel rock scream it from the mountain yelp that can crack or soar-  On first listen, I was shocked to notice his vocals take a backseat in the mix.  With a rotating cast of ‘Wandering Sons’ I can understand why his vocals sound buried next to this all-star indie cast of sessions players rumored to be on this new record.  I still miss my midwestern friends known as the Wandering Sons, but let’s focus on facts, major labels are suffering and rightfully so in many cases, but how do you argue a major label fronting the bill for a band like this on record?  Matt Cameron of Pearl Jam, Brendan Benson, Little Jack and Patrick Keeler of the Raconteurs, Greenhornes and solo ventures; Sam Farrar from the very under appreciated Phantom Planet really brings an awesome bass feel to the whole sha bang…  The list goes on, the rhythm section rocked my first listen, and Cory’s songwriting has sharpened too on pop focus. “What Do You Need” may be the best indie pop song I’ve heard this year hands down, the kind that gets buried on a record and slips into indie nerds’ favorite of the year list, like mine- it’s a great overall pop rock song, unlike anything I’ve heard Cory write to this date with a sexy folk- rock-reggae techno like disco rhythm building to a nasty sly Phil Spector like bridge  It is a flawless song, and should be a hit, but chances are it won’t.  This is America afterall.

In 2005 & 2007 I had the pleasure of doing the artwork for Cory Chisel’s EP, “Darken Your Door” and a nice little soulful folk rock record he made 2 years ago, “Little Bird”, both produced by Mark Muraski at the now defunct Fuse studio, Rockford, IL.   Both are temporarily unavailable or in contractual limbo.  Who really knows, it’s  none of my business aside from the fact my design services were requested for both projects I’m happy to have been involved in.  ”Little Bird’ features the great Augie Meyers (sideman for Bob Dylan and Freddie Fender) and Bun E. Carlos (Cheap Trick). The success of the new major label release hits the stores after Sept. 28th, 2009, and then hopefully the rest of the world can get a listening opportunity to take in the goodness evident on a track from said ‘little’ record,  “Getting By.”

Without having the luck of working with Cory & The Sons, I would have never had the hard work and privilege of designing record artwork for other great young Midwestern artists.  Daniel McMahon who plays/played with The Wandering Sons has silently partaken in the making of singer song-writer and part-time Wandering Son bassist, Miles Nielsen’s solo record, “Miles” which Rockford, IL area artist Peter Mera & I did artwork for as well.  The record itself is a great documentation of the midwest, the confusion and the beauty in what it’s like to be from here. It’s scene, the players far and wide from many bands, Cheap Trick, The Wandering Sons, Government Mule, Black Crowes, The record is an accumulation of many styles hitting head on, like the midwest, a cross roads of influences, seasons, all kinds of characters, & sounds.

Daniel McMahon has also been playing fulltime as a member of Cameron McGill & What Army who released “Warm Songs for Cold Shoulders” earlier this year.  Their newest EP was released on Sept, 15th, 2009,  “Two Hits and & Miss” Both feature some of the finest songwriting and band performances put to record in 2009 by one of the best live acts I’ve ever seen.  Catch the What Amy while you can, they are the one reason I still believe in the power of rock n’ roll.

I’ve got some things to say about Rockford, IL’s great defunct under appreciated band, The Braves who released a few records on Chicago’s label, Johann’s Face.  It featured three wonderful songwriters in Joe Reina, Kevin Schwitters, & Shawn Ross along with drummer Jesse Carmona.   All have moved on to new projects and they deserve their own little writeup coming soon.  Need to sleep.

This is like a dream come true.  for every terrible pop star that dies there’s an indie band that rocked my world so hard due to make a comeback.  michael jackson dies = pavement’s resurrection.  sounds like a new age deal to me that minorities like me benefit from, I’ll take it, hail yeah. Sold.